Performance Reviews: The real purpose

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” Aww not this question please.

She asked it to me just as I was nailing the technical parts of the review. I didn’t like the question before and I really hated it now. It assumes I’ll still be here working for this company 5 years on, doubtful. A non-answer assumes laziness and that might be worse. Actually it is definitely worse. No company wants a lazy manager. Employees come and go but managers are supposed to have larger visions, bigger goals. It’s a nerve racking proposition to be put on the spot for any review because raises and bonuses depend on them. No pressure right?

“Well, I’d like a crystal ball that’s for sure, Haha!” How ridiculous do I sound right now? The lame humor is pouring out of me like blood from a gunshot wound.

A delay says I am working on my best “Wow” response because I clearly haven’t thought about it.

A quick answer might seem too flippant or relaxed. I might curse if I am too relaxed, not professional. I swear when I am nervous too though so no good. Here it goes.  

“I’d like to manage ah, um...department…hopefully…” not convincing at all! Do you even work here?

My answer sounded more like a question. My reviewer noticed my nervousness.

“You don’t have to know exactly what you want.” She helpfully explained.

She was reading from a set of prepared answers that the corporate partners all use. Across the country nervous entry level managers everywhere are considering their options: should I go big and talk about running a store or be honest and blurt out “How the hell should I know. Why don’t you ask me how much of a raise I need? Or which of the employees on my crew should make LESS than minimum wage? Or which ones will be gone in less than a year? Those are questions I know.”  

Something to understand about the employee reviews designed to reach into your beating heart and pull a corporate logo Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom style, it isn’t true. They aren’t designed that way at all.  Companies want to hire and promote goal setters. It doesn’t matter so much what those goals are. People who plan for the future think ahead in other areas of life as well.

The minute by minute types can’t see above their level and don’t care to. They worry about their corner and nothing else. They often show up for work but aren’t flexible outside of what they know, their training. It is nearly impossible for them to get promoted in a truly meritocratic system because their work behavior acts like hedge against advancement. The review questions might seem designed to check your loyalty but more accurately they separate good employees from bad. Or at least they try to.  

Put yourself in that manager’s chair, the big leather one with a high back and a neck support. Imagine you have to get a project from early stage A to finished stage Z in the fewest days possible. Say the retailer you work for is opening a new store in 6 months and the building is a long way from finished. As the store’s manager you need to hire around 100 people in less than a month. A stack of applications sets in folders in front of you. You don’t have a shortage of people looking to work but you do have a one major problem, not enough time to do full interviews and follow ups. You need to decide on a couple key questions for department managers since the pay is better (a little) and the responsibility is greater. Remember also this is a corporate operation so you can’t make up your own interview questions. 

I know you have a ‘full proof’ method for asking Star Wars trivia and sussing out character flaws but you have to use the prepared sheet so focus. Not the whole interview of course, this is a quick and dirty ‘get em processed and working’ event and time is running short.

The ‘5 years’ question forces the one being asked to evaluate very quickly the important parts of their life, the career stuff. Answers can be messy since the point is to find out who has thought about it and who has not. You can use your own scale on what is acceptable and what isn’t. The question also works like a curve when all they have seen is fastballs down the middle. Mix it up. Change the speed and see how they handle it. Do they curse at you? Shift in their seat? Talk about the Illuminati? How they answer it might say more than the words they use.

It might seem like an exaggeration but executives and store managers are too busy to worry about how a particular question comes off. Answer honestly and don’t pretend to have Elon Musk type vision when a comfortable salary and steady hours are closer to the truth. Most important, don’t take too literal the “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” question. If you have goals or plans for career advancement share them. Even the simple ones. Pointed truthful answers get to the heart of the matter more than broad nonsensical ones.

No one is buying your non-answer anyway.