Cherry Ho!

There’s only one way to eat cherry turnovers---enthusiastically. I don’t mean one sensible bite at a time, between alternating sips of Earl Grey. Really get in there, like a pitbull munching on a tennis ball. Don’t let a second of time pass between the brief chewing phase and the next massive chomp. Chew a bit, swallow, and chomp. Repeat the process until the sugary pastry is kaput. Then grab another.

I discover this little quirk every time I buy a box (Awww... is that for me?). I’ve tried to just eat one. It must be easier to cure diabetes than tear oneself away from the ribbon festooned box with the warm bakery scent wafting through the paper bag. Some people have trouble walking past a shoe store, others can’t miss a good garage sale but even fewer pass by a bakery without that Pavolovian twitch in the taste buds. For me cherry turnovers are it. The all.

When baked just right, the corners fold together evenly like a stack of napkins at an upscale restaurant; the pebble sized sugar bits sink into the cooling dough and rest neatly on top like pillows on a bedspread. The melted frosting pools delicately around the base. When done poorly…still not bad actually-nothing the microwave can’t fix. They get overcooked sometimes which is worse than being under cooked for the same reason people eat raw cookie dough and not burnt cookies.

The toughest time is bringing back the gift box of warm turnovers. My appetite for sweets gets stronger on the long ride home from the bakery. I become engaged in a mind battle, a struggle for the soul.

Stomach: “I’ll just eat one, save one for breakfast and maybe polish it off tomorrow.”

Brain: “Yeah…heard that before”

Stomach: “Oh my Goooood, so good! I am getting another”

Brain: “You said. You promised. One and done…remember?”

Stomach: “It’s only two, that’ll leave two for tomorrow, perfect even number. Although, maybe just one more before bed, glass of milk to wash it down.”

Brain: “You realize that’s a family size box right? Three! Are you kidding, don’t do it!

Stomach: “Well, only one left. Don’t think that’ll be enough for breakfast, may as well finish it off.”

Brain: “You make me sick, disgusted really.”

Stomach: “Did we remember to get Tums? I don’t feel so well.”

I don’t pretend I can bake them but I know what passes for success and what decides failure. Under this logic I could be a host on a baking show and make the contestants bring me a platter with sweets. I could pick a favorite but would have no advice for how to make the bland ones better, “Umm probably needs more sugar”. “Yes, definitely more sugar. And what else did you use, frosting? Use more of that too.”

 Those shows seemed more concerned with presentation than taste, which makes sense in a fancy setting but doesn’t work with me. Maybe it’s how I am wired but taste should come first since it has the longest memory tail. I’ve only been to one of those expensive dinners where everyone wears ties and gets their portions in drips and drabs. “Oh look dear, they arranged the veal with a little parsnip and marinara sauce!” I remember the dinner was good but I like to eat faster than the 2.5 hours it takes the place to send out waiters to the table like Western Union couriers delivering telegrams. I remember the dessert, French silk pie with a perfect balance of rich whip cream and melted chocolate. Point being I remember the dessert and wait time, not the presentation.

Apparently it is rude to ask for seconds, thirds are out of question. I don’t want to be that guy, but I kind of am.

I’ve even bought the frozen pre-cut cherry turnovers before too. They aren’t bad but the taste is in the ingredients and something tells me the ingredients in frozen packaging are sub par. Same goes for the little packets of frosting and cherry filling, they end of tasting closer to a “Toaster Strudel” than a baked turnover. I’ll try a few different brands and see what sticks.

The same problem is likely to arise, so many turnovers so little time. Saving money requires buying in bulk but the only bulk I keep get to keep is in the stomach area.

Till next time, happy eating.