Gratitude Fills the Gap

 

Life isn’t fair.

 It’s a simple lesson that keeps repeating like an Aerosmith song on any classic rock station. We’d like to forget but it’s one of those phrases parents like to say when you whine about your brother getting new basketball shoes. “Where are my new shoes?” comes the retort. The answer is always the same, life isn’t fair. Some parents try to explain how it’s perfectly reasonable that your brother got shoes and you didn’t.

 Or they’ll help you with an anecdote about that time that you got to go to Six Flags and he didn’t. This is the parental version of offsets. It’s a losing battle to try to argue with a kid over fairness. They’ll always come up with a scenario you hadn’t considered.

 “I only got to go to Six Flags for one day, my brother went with friends for a whole weekend!”

Now you’re stuck. You have to come back with yet another time when the seesaw tilted toward the unloved soul. Smart parents just say the magic phrase “Life isn’t Fair” unless they’re pressed for time. In that case “tough” will suffice.

 Every day reminds us of the uneven nature of genes, money and intellect.

The gym is full of body builders with 2% body fat and girlfriends that model swimsuits. Customers where I work drive up in Mercedes sedans and wear Breitling watches. They live in wealthy neighborhoods with theater rooms and security fencing around the perimeter.

They take 3 vacations every year and have homes around the country, even one in France. There are people with more talent and connections in every area of life. Ever get passed over for a job or a loose out on a stock pick? Life is full of continual reminders of our short comings, most of them pure chance. Either through talent, connections, circumstances or money, opportunities pass us by consistently.

But because unfairness is so universal it’s possible to see your circumstance, whatever it might be, as significantly better than another person’s. I’ll call this reverse comparison. Instead of complaining about not being able to afford golf course fees, compare with someone who can’t afford clubs. This takes a lot of practice, like uh. . . golf. We’re wired to set ourselves and our families up. Nothing is wrong with that. We work and save and spend on those closest to us. But making a habit of reverse comparison is a hugely beneficial skill that will create lifelong gratitude.

Start simple. Are you healthy? Can you afford to buy your own groceries? Do you have a place to sleep, eat and drink? Can you walk under your own power, or run? Are you mentally sharp and capable of learning? These probably seem a little silly. I’m just listing the most basic functions of human existence and telling you to be grateful for them. But when you see people who need constant medical care, good health feels more important. Cars are essential when don’t have one, as are regular housing and consistent work.

I had to start this in my life after an important sermon on gratitude. The pastor went around the room and asked us what we were grateful for. I was near the back of the room so I had time to contemplate my answer. I can’t say for sure why I went with good health as the central marker of gratitude. It’s always stuck with me though. When I get depressed or feel less than, I remind myself that I’m healthy and strong. It’s enough to shift the focus from lack to abundance. My attitude changes after that and I start to list (mentally) the blessings I have through comparison.  

My favorite statistic of last year is from Dave Ramsey’s massive (10,000 participant) survey on millionaires. The good news “79% of millionaires did not receive any inheritance from their parents or other family members”. Why is that important to my otherwise cheery grateful do-good attitude? Because it’s easy to get caught up thinking that the deck is stacked against us. Be it talent or money the rich keep increasing while we eat ramen noodles and beg for a chance. In America at least it’s just not true.

There will always be Michael Bloomberg types with generational money and a powerful empire. But there will also be lost fortunes and corrupt players like Bernie Madoff to remind us that wealth and fame are fleeting. But the ultra-rich, the famous and the connected can’t keep you from enjoying life or making your own money. So if you must compare, reverse compare. You’ll make it a habit and gratitude will slowly fill the gaps where life isn’t fair.